В рамках передачи "Эти забавные животные" начинаем рубрику "толерантная Арда".
В программе самые тупые шутки про эльфов, гномов, хоббитов и людей, созданные вселенским разумом.
Часть первая, гномья.
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Просто мне очень нравится представлять, как Трндл заезжает в Ривендел и травит с Элрондом новую порцию шуток о гномах.![:D]()
Я вообще люблю расистские шутки...
- How many dwarves does it take to replace a candle?
- Just one. Dwarves burn great.
- Why do all dwarves look alike?
- Because there is little difference between them.
— How are called dwarven poets?
— Oxymorons.
An elf, a human, & a dwarf walk into a tavern. The elf orders a wine, the human orders a beer, & the dwarf orders an ale. The barkeep sets their drinks down before them, & each one notices a fly in his drink.
The elf frowns, turns up his nose, & pushes the glass away.
The human frowns, flicks the fly out of his beer, & starts drinking.
The dwarf frowns, carefully picks the fly out of his ale, & yells, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"
Dwarf walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
Bartender says, "Hey, where'd ya get that thing?"
Parrot says, "The mountains. There's hundreds of 'em running around over there."
How many dwarves does it take to change a light bulb?
Forty-two, or as many as they can get together on a moment’s notice. First they’ll make a song about how great the old light-bulb was and how well their fathers made it, and then they’ll make a new light bulb from scratch, sighing about how much lore and skill they’ve forgotten.
An Elf, a Ranger, and a Dwarf walk into the Prancing Pony.
The Elf says, “Barley, I’ll have some wine, please.” Butterburr puts a flask and a goblet in front of him and says, “Chateux Bree-on, TA 3018. A good year, kind Elf.”
The Ranger says, “Ale.” Butterburr gives him a tall tankard brimming with Bree’s finest. “Fresh brewed, ragged wanderer!”
The Dwarf says, “Dwarf spirits, Dwarf spirits for me!” Butterburr looks perplexed for a moment, takes out an axe, and lops the Dwarf’s head off.
He says, “Halls of Mandos. Give my regards to Namo.”
— What do you call a Chinese dwarf?
— Gim-Lee.
Why did the dwarf flunk out of school?
He had a short attention span.
Why do dwarves make good house guests?
They only stay for a short tme.
UPD:
Часть вторая, ельфийская, моя любимая.
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What is the most favorite elf pet?
An Elflephant?
Боевой клич эльфов:
- А Элберет Ядрена вошь !!!
Why do elves make good listerners?
They are all ears.
Three Elves were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first Elf said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second Elf said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third Elf said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The Elves were still arguing when the Dwarf train hit them.
How many elves do you need to replace a candle?
A good thousand. One to sing the tale of the old, burned-out, candle. One to pretend that it didn't melt and evaporated away, but instead, faded to Arwaxor, the idyllic verdant afterlife of candles. One to remind everyone of the fabled Elven Candles of Old, who were sentient, artistical creatures whose eternal glow was not merely light, but also love, magic, wisdom, and soothing quietness. All the rest to randomly dance and prance meanwhile. Of course, the candle is never changed, but there's no hurry, anyway, since the elves believe they can wait still another millenia or two.
What do you call ten fairy's with wooden swords?
ELVES!!
A dwarf and two elves walk into a bar. The waitress seats them and asks to take their order. The dwarf growls: "I'll take a big thick fat bleeding rare steak! And an ale!!"
The waitress says, "Fine, and what about the vegetables?"
The dwarf snarls, "They'll take the steak and ale too, and they'll LIKE IT!!"
What did you say when you saw the elves dancing?
"It must be Christmas time."
how do you occupy an elf? ...
hand em a parchment that has the words
"For instructions, see other side..."
on the front, and back...
An elf woman went to the healer, complaining of night sweats and fits of vomitting in the morning. After a short examination, the healer looks to her and says "Congratulations! You're pregnant!"
The elf woman looked at the healer and asked "Is it mine?"
3 Elves walk into a bar, the Dwarf doesn't.
Why did the elf stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed?
He wanted to see what he looked like asleep.
What do you call an elf with half a brain?
Gifted!
Two Elf couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex one Elf says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on?'
Elrond comes to Mordor to conquer the Orcs. He brings 4,000 elves with him. As he nears the battlefield there suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. A short, ugly orc in chainmail.
"Lord of the Elves?" yells the orc on the hill. "Come up here, ya pointy eared girlie boys, and I'll give ya what for!"
Elrond turns to his commander. "Send 20 elves to deal with that little pathetic orc!", he says. The commander sends twenty of his best elves over the hill to kill the orc. Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the orc appears again. "Ya Elvish panty wastes!", he yells. "Come on the rest of ye!!"
Elrond is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his comander. "Send 100 elves to kill that little guttersnipe!" The commander sends a hundred elves over the hill to do the job.
Ten minutes later, the orc appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a bit torn. "Ya Elvish SCUM!", he yells. "I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, ya Elvish pansies!!"
Elrond losses patience. "Commander, take 400 elves and personally WIPE HIM OFF THE EARTH!", he yells. The commander gulps, but leads four hundred elves on horseback over the crest of the hill. Ten minutes later, the orc is back. His clothing is all torn and his face is covered in blood. "Is that the best ye can do??? You fight like hobbits!!! Come on!!", he yells.
Elrond turns to his second in command. "Take 1000 elves over that hill and don't come back till you've killed him!" he commands. The second in command gathers the elves and they ride off over the hill to their fate. Ten minutes later, one of the Elven troops appears back at the top of the hill. He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn. "Your Majesty!! he yells. "It's a trap!!!
There's TWO of them!!!
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar in Bree and find their way to a bar stool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear an elf joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is an elf, the bouncer is an elf and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. elf with incredible sword skills . What's more, the person sitting next to me is an elf and he's the most skilled archer in Middle-Earth. The lady to your right is an elf, and she's the Queen of Lothlorien."
"Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
If you and your wife are mistaken for lesbians while in public, you might be an Elf.
В программе самые тупые шутки про эльфов, гномов, хоббитов и людей, созданные вселенским разумом.
Часть первая, гномья.
Просто мне очень нравится представлять, как Трндл заезжает в Ривендел и травит с Элрондом новую порцию шуток о гномах.
Я вообще люблю расистские шутки...
- How many dwarves does it take to replace a candle?
- Just one. Dwarves burn great.
- Why do all dwarves look alike?
- Because there is little difference between them.
— How are called dwarven poets?
— Oxymorons.
An elf, a human, & a dwarf walk into a tavern. The elf orders a wine, the human orders a beer, & the dwarf orders an ale. The barkeep sets their drinks down before them, & each one notices a fly in his drink.
The elf frowns, turns up his nose, & pushes the glass away.
The human frowns, flicks the fly out of his beer, & starts drinking.
The dwarf frowns, carefully picks the fly out of his ale, & yells, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"
Dwarf walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
Bartender says, "Hey, where'd ya get that thing?"
Parrot says, "The mountains. There's hundreds of 'em running around over there."
How many dwarves does it take to change a light bulb?
Forty-two, or as many as they can get together on a moment’s notice. First they’ll make a song about how great the old light-bulb was and how well their fathers made it, and then they’ll make a new light bulb from scratch, sighing about how much lore and skill they’ve forgotten.
An Elf, a Ranger, and a Dwarf walk into the Prancing Pony.
The Elf says, “Barley, I’ll have some wine, please.” Butterburr puts a flask and a goblet in front of him and says, “Chateux Bree-on, TA 3018. A good year, kind Elf.”
The Ranger says, “Ale.” Butterburr gives him a tall tankard brimming with Bree’s finest. “Fresh brewed, ragged wanderer!”
The Dwarf says, “Dwarf spirits, Dwarf spirits for me!” Butterburr looks perplexed for a moment, takes out an axe, and lops the Dwarf’s head off.
He says, “Halls of Mandos. Give my regards to Namo.”
— What do you call a Chinese dwarf?
— Gim-Lee.
Why did the dwarf flunk out of school?
He had a short attention span.
Why do dwarves make good house guests?
They only stay for a short tme.
UPD:
Часть вторая, ельфийская, моя любимая.
What is the most favorite elf pet?
An Elflephant?
Боевой клич эльфов:
- А Элберет Ядрена вошь !!!
Why do elves make good listerners?
They are all ears.
Three Elves were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first Elf said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second Elf said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third Elf said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The Elves were still arguing when the Dwarf train hit them.
How many elves do you need to replace a candle?
A good thousand. One to sing the tale of the old, burned-out, candle. One to pretend that it didn't melt and evaporated away, but instead, faded to Arwaxor, the idyllic verdant afterlife of candles. One to remind everyone of the fabled Elven Candles of Old, who were sentient, artistical creatures whose eternal glow was not merely light, but also love, magic, wisdom, and soothing quietness. All the rest to randomly dance and prance meanwhile. Of course, the candle is never changed, but there's no hurry, anyway, since the elves believe they can wait still another millenia or two.
What do you call ten fairy's with wooden swords?
ELVES!!
A dwarf and two elves walk into a bar. The waitress seats them and asks to take their order. The dwarf growls: "I'll take a big thick fat bleeding rare steak! And an ale!!"
The waitress says, "Fine, and what about the vegetables?"
The dwarf snarls, "They'll take the steak and ale too, and they'll LIKE IT!!"
What did you say when you saw the elves dancing?
"It must be Christmas time."
how do you occupy an elf? ...
hand em a parchment that has the words
"For instructions, see other side..."
on the front, and back...
An elf woman went to the healer, complaining of night sweats and fits of vomitting in the morning. After a short examination, the healer looks to her and says "Congratulations! You're pregnant!"
The elf woman looked at the healer and asked "Is it mine?"
3 Elves walk into a bar, the Dwarf doesn't.
Why did the elf stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed?
He wanted to see what he looked like asleep.
What do you call an elf with half a brain?
Gifted!
Two Elf couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex one Elf says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on?'
Elrond comes to Mordor to conquer the Orcs. He brings 4,000 elves with him. As he nears the battlefield there suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. A short, ugly orc in chainmail.
"Lord of the Elves?" yells the orc on the hill. "Come up here, ya pointy eared girlie boys, and I'll give ya what for!"
Elrond turns to his commander. "Send 20 elves to deal with that little pathetic orc!", he says. The commander sends twenty of his best elves over the hill to kill the orc. Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the orc appears again. "Ya Elvish panty wastes!", he yells. "Come on the rest of ye!!"
Elrond is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his comander. "Send 100 elves to kill that little guttersnipe!" The commander sends a hundred elves over the hill to do the job.
Ten minutes later, the orc appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a bit torn. "Ya Elvish SCUM!", he yells. "I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, ya Elvish pansies!!"
Elrond losses patience. "Commander, take 400 elves and personally WIPE HIM OFF THE EARTH!", he yells. The commander gulps, but leads four hundred elves on horseback over the crest of the hill. Ten minutes later, the orc is back. His clothing is all torn and his face is covered in blood. "Is that the best ye can do??? You fight like hobbits!!! Come on!!", he yells.
Elrond turns to his second in command. "Take 1000 elves over that hill and don't come back till you've killed him!" he commands. The second in command gathers the elves and they ride off over the hill to their fate. Ten minutes later, one of the Elven troops appears back at the top of the hill. He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn. "Your Majesty!! he yells. "It's a trap!!!
There's TWO of them!!!
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar in Bree and find their way to a bar stool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear an elf joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is an elf, the bouncer is an elf and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. elf with incredible sword skills . What's more, the person sitting next to me is an elf and he's the most skilled archer in Middle-Earth. The lady to your right is an elf, and she's the Queen of Lothlorien."
"Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
If you and your wife are mistaken for lesbians while in public, you might be an Elf.